Counting blessings

I spend a lot of time wishing things were different... "If only I had enough energy to go to that event" or "If only I could get back to work" - constantly reminding myself of those things I'm not achieving or missing out on. What a waste of energy! I made a decision yesterday, after a Buddhist friend reminded me to focus on what I do have, to do just that! If I can spend a little time, each day, acknowledging those things in my life that I feel positive about, then perhaps I can coax myself out of this "if only" rut.

So (deep breath), here goes... a list of all those things I am glad about/things that enrich my life:

- My wonderful family. Illness has brought us closer together and enabled me to ask for support.
- My Buddhist practice, which allows me to connect to people and concepts outside of my limited self.
- My lovely house and supportive housemates. Getting the wood-burning stove going in the evenings and  sitting around chatting inanely.
- My recently rediscovered love of blogging.
- My increased empathy for those experiencing illness.
- Time alone, to be by myself.
- This opportunity to rekindle old friendships.

We have a tendency, as human beings, to assume that our happiness is dependent on certain conditions being fulfilled. Thinking along the lines of, "Life will be better when I get my finances sorted" or, "Once I've found the right partner and settled down everything will fall in to place". This kind of thinking is dangerous - supposing that our current circumstances are the problem and whilst things continue as they are then we can't possibly even think about being happy. There's a misconception that if you decide to be happy even in the midst of imperfection, then you are "settling" or "selling yourself short" or "giving up". This is ludicrous! You can be happy where you are and simultaneously aware of those things you'd like to change - they are not mutually exclusive. We are complex beings, capable of balancing seemingly contradictory thoughts. Of course I would like to increase my activity tolerance and decrease my fatigue, but I am aware that it will take time to effect change - that doesn't mean that I have to be miserable in the meantime! The trick is not to get too attached, either to our success or to our suffering. Remaining open to change whilst at the same time feeling gratitude in the moment. It's so easy to slip in to the trap of getting comfortable in a certain situation. For example, once I start getting in to a routine that works for me and which enables me to reduce symptoms of fatigue, then I can easily get fixated on the combination and order of daily tasks as if they represent a magic formula which, if deviated from, would cause a downward spiral in to fatigue-hell. It is impossible to remain static, and life has a habit of throwing all manner of unexpected curve-balls at you, just when you feel you've got everything the way you want it. It's a difficult balance to achieve, but not impossible - to be able to work towards improving your circumstances whilst accepting that some factors remain out of your control, and enjoy the process - this is what I call success.

I'm finding it difficult to continue writing as, truth is, I'm feeling very low today - energy-wise as well as emotionally (the two usually go hand in hand). I had a busy (well busy for me) day yesterday starting with fatigue assessment by occupational therapist who was thankfully able to come to me for the appointment; followed by some tests at hospital to investigate Raynaud's which has been getting worse due to cold weather; and ending with Buddhist discussion meeting (which I was overjoyed to find myself at despite assuming I wouldn't manage it). I also said goodbye to my Mum yesterday as she returned to Spain early this morning - so early that I couldn't wave her off.

It's been strange but not unpleasant to have my solitude back. It always takes a while to get used to it again. I'm not sure whether I feel sad or just over-tired from busy past few days...