Anniversary

As I write this I can see beautiful dusky pink clouds migrating across the early evening sky. November is a truly wondrous month. And today, the eighteenth is a particularly auspicious day in the lay Buddhist organisation of which I am a member. It is the anniversary of the founding of our movement, which took place in 1930, Japan. Another troubled night's sleep shocked me awake in the wee hours of this morning, and it struck me - I'm having these terrifying nightmares right now at the cusp of this momentous day. In Buddhism, it is believed that when one is practicing as the Buddha taught, then they will find themselves assailed by negativity. As long as we hold firm to our beliefs and remind ourselves that encountering difficulties in life is a sign of progress in terms of faith. My life must certainly be moving forward as I seem to be encountering nothing but obstacles! Strangely, once I reminded myself of this principle, I was able to experience deep joy even though moments earlier I had been in the grip of the most frightening sleep-paralysis. This is not a phenomenon that I regularly suffer from. It has happened only once before and I hope it never happens again - but I'm confident that if it does I will know how to deal with it. I feel like the old cast, made out of fear, has been broken - revealing my true, courageous self. Surely there is no greater benefit? I have been chanting for many things, not least for my health situation to improve, and I had my heart set on this date as a target for when I wanted to see change. My life may not look any different from the outside (I'm still spending the majority of my time in bed and having to rest after simply getting dressed or making breakfast); but from my inner perspective I can see that a fundamental transformation has occurred. Just like the unpleasant dreams, the workings of our internal landscape are invisible but nevertheless hugely influential to our well-being. Another thought that struck me this morning was that I have actually achieved something that only three months ago I hadn't imagined possible. I ended my relationship which had represented my main support/safety net throughout two years of treatment and recovery. The fear that I had to face even just contemplating living alone threw me in to the darkest despair I've ever known. It was the scariest decision to make and yet has been the cause for my spiritual regeneration - this time on my own has proven to be most valuable in terms of emotional healing. It might sound strange, but I can finally say with conviction that I am grateful for all the pain and suffering I've experienced these past months. I feel free now, like I've been released from a self-imposed prison plagued by doubt and anxiety. Of course I will feel these emotions again, and will face even greater challenges in the future, but I feel better equipped to deal with them. I have the resources to lessen the amount of time spent dwelling in those negative spaces.

There are concrete, visible achievements that are beginning to manifest as well. On Thursday I have an appointment with an occupational therapist who specializes in fatigue and is going to help me devise a management programme in order to slowly start building up energy levels; I have successfully moved back in to my shared house and am looking toward living independently once again (as my Mum, who has been supporting me this past week, will be returning to Spain soon); and I've also noticed an improvement in my social life. I feel less alone than when I started this blog (only a month ago) and have come to realise that I need to make constant efforts to maintain friendships - I haven't been forgotten; people are just busy/preoccupied.

I cannot help but think that it's no coincidence that I am now in my eighth year of practicing - the number eight, in Buddhism, means "to open" and is also synonymous with the symbol for eternity. The significance of this year is dawning on me, each day proffering even greater opportunity for self-discovery...exciting times!